10 things you will find yourself doing…

In no particular order, you will one day find that you:


1) are inadvertently sucking on a dummy. And have been for sometime. Possibly in public.

2) go out knowingly wearing clothing that has either baby vomit, baby snot, formula, breast milk or possibly baby poo on it.

3) have started having normal grown up conversations with your baby, about what’s on tv, the news, celebrity gossip, political machinations over the middle east crisis etc. These conversations will start occurring in your kitchen. But will subsequently occur in the car. In the supermarket. On the high street. In front of people you don’t know.

4) think 9pm is a late night.

5) have started turning the tv down in case you can’t hear the baby crying. The baby who could possibly raise the dead from the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. But nonetheless, you have the bedroom door slightly ajar and the baby monitor on. Full volume.

6) begin wondering when the spare room and the hallway and the kitchen became a Chinese laundry. How does one small child create so much washing?

7) …. Now what was that thing I was thinking about again?…

8) pretend to be asleep for the first few cries. Either baby may go back to sleep or better half may feel more guilty.

9) now realise every other driver on the planet is a total moron.

10) will never ever over pack for yourself again. Because you don’t have any luggage allowance or car boot space left after all the crap you take for him.

11) are so tired you lose track of what you’re doing. ┬áSo you put the mobile phone in the dishwasher, the dirty nappy in the washing machine and the empty bottle and teat in the bin. God knows where you put the used bib.